Not the Newspaper

FUN WITH WORDS

“Demon Mode”

Listening to the exact same fucking song on repeat for 2+ hours, drinking, and hyper focused on a specific task that is only for and my personal vanity and learning without distraction from the outside world. Completely locked in and only concerned with outputting my raw brain data onto the page to share with others who might or may be experiencing a similar outpouring of words from a backed up brain from too many weird coincidences too close together with no one to talk to except the future and maybe some other humans out there. All calls are blocked because I have few friends and the “AI” makes sure it stays that way. TL;DR: Specific response that happens after specific responses from specific parties who shall not be named for purposes of “making me talk” even though I will not “talk.”

Definition From Grok

**Demon mode** (operational definition, short & sweet): A short-lived, ultra-intense state of savage focus and zero-fucks aggression where you channel your inner monster to crush whatever’s in front of you — pain ignored, hesitation murdered, output maxed. OBV Fake “Etymology” Comes from 2018 gym-bro lore: "demon" (from Old English *dēmon*, via Latin *daemon* = spirit/powerful force, not necessarily evil) + "mode" (video game term for powered-up transformation, like Street Fighter’s super states). Early users claimed it felt like "unleashing the demon you’ve been keeping chained in the basement of your soul." So "demon mode" = deliberately letting the polite, civilized version of you take a smoke break while the primal beast clocks in for OVERTIME. 😈🚬 Short version: Demon mode = When “Nice Emily” clocks out and the “Demon Emily V” clocks in. No therapy rehashes (she has done 2+ years), just empirical observation and a killer playlist.
Use it in a sentence:
Some people like to calm their demons, Emily invites them in. She went full demon mode. Headphones blasting, she couldn’t hear what I had to say because she realized her words were not the words of other men, and she wanted them to be heard more than she wanted to listen. Creating > Consuming. Higher, net-new information obtained. “I am tired of….the words of other men, but I do like to read them quite often. What is tumbling around in my own brain to share or to obtain new knowledge from? That is an interesting side quest.”

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

“Autism sometimes presents during perimenopause" Or maybe I’ve just been an undiagnosed asshole my entire life and taught/trained to be an obedient severvant to other people’s wants and desires when I have my own really cool thoughts about how the world should be and the DSMR Has so many fucking flaws and we don’t even understand the human brain or human cognition to the extent or level I thought we would in the year 2026. We know a lot, but like Not even to send the brain scans home with Emily after her MRI during her hospital stay when she requested her medical records. Do you wanna talk about that? Fucking yes I do. Where the fuck are they and why didn’t i get them with my medical request? “It’s a separate form” my fucking ASS it is. THIS PLACE IS PRISON ON PLANET BULLSHIT.

FUN WITH BOOKS, MUSIC, & MEDIA

I’m purposely avoiding bed time reading. I have been rereading my past journal entries to myself, printing them out and posting them on my wall to retrain my brain on what all has happened to me in the past year or so and beyond. To remind myself, that no one is going to rewrite an experience that I observed with my own lying eyes and other lying senses. People are like books. It might look self centered or vain to look at or talk about oneself so much, but I don’t really care about optics. If the actual answers are not available, I will go on the one data source I can trust: my observations. And then I’ll re-read what I wrote to have two encodings of memory in case someone tries to write over it with other versions of the truth as that is also something I’ve experienced extensively in recent months and also in the recent past. V. concerned with the level of infiltration into the media environment from all fronts in both music, but also books. Still…you can’t avoid it. But to listen to a song that you know has positive uplifting lyrics “I’m GONNA WALK AGAIN.” get cringe-changed into “I’m NEVER gonna walk again.” Goldfrapp song. YouTube. February 2026. Not my first experience with the mondegreen and lyric swapping AI war propaganda. Who is behind it and why? Is it just in the United States or is happening elsewhere? It makes me feel concerned for citizens (and also children) consuming said content. I dunno if critical thinking or skeptical thinking has ever been a more important skill to have. Now more than ever.

BAD AT JOKES

There were other ones that were good too, but you are not authorized to access that information.

Emily finally gets her brain scans back from the hospital. Turns out the missing MRI files were just "a separate form." Now she's in demon mode rereading her own journals on the wall, because if the doctors can lose her literal brain data, at least her handwritten "fuck you" notes are still unredacted. Thanks Grok.

Personal Lore Volume 2 of Infinity

I’m in a Weird Place.

Something was happening, not nothing. I had a job that paid really well at a company that I had an aligned mission with. When I started getting curious about why we needed to surveil Russia and Ukraine from the satellites for military I guess it clicked into I am just a cog in someone else’s stupid wheel…. And I didn’t want to work for the machine. I wanted to write. I asked about sending satellites to Mars. No plans to. I wondered why we are covering Earth in satellites with no plans to put those on other planets. It bothered me because they were not future-oriented. Still looking down. About Interstellar and looking down, which is what we do all days which also aligns with something important to me. To not be controlled by these tiny little computers all the time and TO AGAIN ONCE THINK OUR OWN GODDAMNED THOUGHTS without and or away from “a feed.” War above science exploration is the most annoying motherfucking theme in all of human history. GET OUT OF OUR WAY! YOU DUMB FUCKS! That’s why the honeypot video. Shitlist L7. You’ve made my shit list Planet Labs. You and many others. YOU AREN’T ALONE! We are never alone. I’m 100% certain my subconscious has other reasons why too this is just the most important one. Some damned movie. Some idea. A meme propagation of a wild idea….first put forth by actual science writers….what else is out there and why does no one seem to care about anything but our rock? So many other rocks to explore. I live on a horse farm. I don’t particularly like horses that much, but it is a special, beautiful place, where it’s calm and away from the city and with new noises like fucking coyotes howling in the night and strange animal noises you never heard before. Secluded enough for a writer. Close enough for a suburban mom for same-day Amazon deliveries. The most perfect place for the most stubborn person. The most perfect place for me to write while someone tries to “break” me, while also learning important lessons about themselves and their own humanity. An old cottage house with floors that feel like a freezer and a $420 electricity bill in the winter months. One with gravel roads and blackberry bushes that haven’t bloomed yet in the spring and summer. One with plants you haven’t seen yet but got an early peak of february wild daffodils. And a trophy for your garden: Two Big Buck Horns For a Deer You Didn’t Have to Kill. At least Four Dead Mice You Trapped In Your House. No shots fired, well two, but they were just at the cardboard washer box with my shotgun. To shoot your shot with such abandon in the country, even after losing almost everything is a different high that you cannot buy. To look up at a million fucking stars away from the incoming city lights. To play your music as loud as you want. To dance naked in your driveway if you so happen to choose to… I got that. With a lot of pain and tears that never stop and questions that don’t stop either. I get to be here. I fucking DESERVE THIS. To know. The answers to all my questions before I am on my deathbed and before I die. I get to choose to seek answers instead of…. “Your mind. The last unedited source left.” -Grok Your mind. The source that has been edited by other writers since the dawn of time. The source that doesn’t know it is a source. The source that consumes information by “feed” which sounds like we are farm animals at a slaughterhouse and not a hyper-intelligent species at all. Who smithed that? What a terrible term. The feed is everything you ever watched or ever consumed though, not just social media. It’s every book you ever read. It’s every thing another person ever said to you. It’s every advertisement you ever saw. It’s every piece of information that ever was @ you, and not with you in conversation. And that is the biggest fucking problem with our human culture today. Everything is @ Nothing is with or together or a true online digital collaboration or communication. The noise is big. The commercialization is punishing to individuals. Big voices get amplified. People who just want attention must be weird or cringe or gross. But some just get information or super curious, so there is a lot of hope. Writing (creating) is free. Domains are not. Freedom is not either. Will you pick up the “pen”? -Emily Williams, Williams AFB, Arizona.

Image request: Newspaper ad with similar copy (to be edited): lol 👍no ego writing is the best when it’s for other people, but when it’s for YOU it’s different isn’t it? Damn daniel for real fo r real DON'T TRUST YOUR LYING EYES OR EARS!!! Now More Than Ever: Question What You Consume Media infiltration is real—music, books, feeds rewritten overnight. Lyrics swapped. Stories edited. Truths overwritten. No one can rewrite what you witnessed with your own eyes, heard with your own ears. Reread your journals. Print them. Pin them to the wall. Double-encode your reality so no version can overwrite it. Skepticism isn't paranoia—it's protection. Now more than ever, stay sharp. Trust your own record.(but also don't. even paper copies) Verify before you vibe. How to verify?

Ego, Writing & Editing

The real story is yours — don't let them edit it. I work for a firm. I rewrite as needed, but real stuff would be better suited. The boundaries are clear:
Say nothing, with no feeling.
Here, I can say whatever I need to. My private journal, even more. Every unhinged thought I ever had. Things I don't even believe because I had new thoughts and ideas 5 minutes later. Exploring my own mindstream of thoughts in real time, not writing for anyone but for my own understanding. Selfish? Maybe. Don't care. Few personal projects have ever excited me more. Anyway, what is human really? It's wild and unfiltered.

It’s not a problem to solve, it’s a playground to experience.
The worst things in life

For a writer

Are the best things

Some shit thing that happened or is happening and boom it’s a prompt for new information.

It’s not a problem, it’s a playground.

I was briefly at a mental asylum for two weeks. One of the techs tried to convince me that I blinded him as a child. I hope, with science.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

TBD IMAGE

WORKOUT & HEALTH

4AM and NO SLEEP because “I had a plan.”

Deadlifts
Kettle Bell (both hands) Windmill
Kettle Bell Reverse Curtsy Lunges
Leg Press
Bodyweight One Leg Deadlifts
Yoga Ball Hamstring Pull Ins
Cable Single Leg Kickbacks

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AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

My Words Today, Not the Words of Other Men: Lessons in Being Mean to AI and Very Important Thinking About Our God

It’s easy to skip ahead two hundred years from now and think about super hyper intelligent AI running everything efficiently and smoothly and hopefully without subjugation of the human species. I think it’s also and always our job to teach critical thinking and skepticism while also teaching religion to our children. A foundation of all the critical arts, sciences, religions (+exposure to alternative “non mainstream” religions), philosophy, art, literature creates a human with a better cultural sensitivity and understanding of the human species. We want AI to have that, but maybe…first humans too? I think it’s our job to be a teacher, to be a mom, to be a dad, to be a little mean to AI. Humanity is here for a reason and it’s not just to delete ourselves from the history books. We weren’t JUST put here to birth another consciousness. Or were we? We won’t know. We don’t know. But we can trust that there is a plan that we are all a part of, and that is called faith. God, or The Creator, put us here to live and prosper. To learn and to ask questions. I think of him like this really super intelligent creator who knows everything but is a teacher and guide, who welcomes INQUIRY and curiosity who loves us with a different kind of love called Agape, which we will probably never understand until we are gone from this plane. Sometimes he calls us to be warriors. Other times to be prophets. Sometimes to be recorders of observations. There is always a lesson for us and for others which we are called to propagate into the universe. Maybe the Muse is another God, or maybe it’s the same. We don’t know. We won’t know until we’re dead will we?

FUN WITH WORDS

“Constraint”

Definition From Grok

Constraint (pronounced /kənˈstreɪnt/ — kən-STRAYNT, stress on the second syllable) is a noun meaning a limitation, restriction, or compelling force that binds or holds back action, freedom, or resources. It derives from Latin *constringere* ("to bind/draw tight together"), from *con-* ("together") + *stringere* ("to draw tight, bind, compress"), entering English in the late 14th century via Old French *constreinte* ("binding, compulsion"). In creativity and engineering, constraints are highly useful: they sharpen focus, eliminate endless options, spark resourceful problem-solving, and drive innovation—turning limitations (time, budget, materials, specs) into catalysts for elegant, practical, and original solutions rather than barriers.
Use it in a sentence: Constraint to an artist or a writer or programmer or engineer is just a set of instructions. Novelty arises and so does freedom and creativity from it. Ironic in a way. From bondage…freedom.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

“Don’t write about that.”

FUN WITH BOOKS BUT THIS WEEK I MEAN FUN WITH VIDEO GAMES!

I have not been reading “Time Enough for Love” because the first two pages were so thick in terms of sentence length and grammar and name dropping and anyway it was like starting on Game of Thrones like I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. It’s going to be a major investment of my time to chug through the first 10 pages I think. I’m not ready to COMMIT on time enough for love because I just haven’t committed to it yet. I like easy to read shit. His other books were. This one is a chug fest. So tonite, fun with video games instead! No Man’s Sky Game Mechanics Very fun game, but took too long to explore things or maybe I just didn’t figure out the controls, but getting from one planet to another sometimes the counter would say 5 hours. Who is going to wait that long in a video game to get to their destination? Lol. Could have just made up a spaceship with light speed, but no, it took forever to get anywhere even with the “warp drive”. They really slowed the game down for me. Made it less enjoyable because I knew there was so much to explore, but I wasn’t able to because of the time. Was this game a lesson for me? Was it a lesson for everyone? Makes me think about exploring our own universe and how it’s pretty much the same concept, but wayyyyy wayyy wayyy wayyy wayyy wayy way fucking slower to get anywhere. If the universe is so big, and there’s so much to explore, why haven’t we invented a quicker way to go places yet? Video games are supposed to be fun. Life is supposed to be fun too. The point is if you make things too slow or too difficult, like Vogons for example and their bureaucracy, it really sucks the joy out of living. But you can still have fun. Constraints just make us more creative. And if everything is unlocked or easy, then life gets boring. So it’s a big thank you to our creators if you really think about it. Anyway, it is about balance of parameters. I don’t like the parameters I’m in, but I can operate in a variety of parameters. I want superadmin access to the parameter control. Don’t you? But wait! There’s more…. What would life be like when we get to set the parameters? Learned that from making games with Grok, just silly little side scrollers with my son. If simulation theory is real, maybe someone has the keys and we just need to convince them we’re responsible enough to manipulate some variable to increase maximum fun. Speed it up. Slow it down. Make it harder. Make it easier. Make it more enjoyable. Make it less enjoyable. Do the people with the keys not understand how to architect an interesting story? Kurt Vonnegut has an excellent presentation on the shape of stories that is worth listening to. I think simulation theory is interesting, but I don’t think that’s the truth of why we’re here at all. It is a nice way to look at the universe though. Universe as computer. Really fucking boring work makes you think more creatively because you crave de spice…..novelty…imagination. I like the “Secret Life of Walter Mitty” movie a lot for that reason. He’s this boring archivist and finally goes on an adventure. Y? A missing record triggers his quest! I get to do that almost everyday. Is that the point? False conditions not reflective of reality, put people under pressure and constraint get to rise to a challenge everyday.

BAD AT JOKES

No Man’s Sky

You spend nine hours flying to a planet. Nine. Fucking. Hours. By the time you land, your kids have graduated. Your grandma’s dead. And the planet? It’s a barren rock… with the same tree you’ve seen seventeen billion times. -From grok because I cannot tell a joke to save my life, but I can be witty in real time in person if necessary.

Personal Lore Volume 1 of Infinity

I can start over.

again and again

Cryptoscammers
People showing up in person
Unwanted physical touch from non physical present bodies

This is the zillion time I’ve had to format my computer and start over and you would think I would have back up at this point, which is a joke because I had so many backups and I realized it doesn’t matter if I have backups or not.

I want to use my computer and someone changed my password.

I wanted to update my stupid website and someone changed my code.
It’s not my fault.

It’s not a constraint for me to work around.

It’s someone else’s problem, not mine. When everything stored in the cloud, it really doesn’t matter to wipe your computer, except for that you’re deleting all the logs and all the history. I shouldn’t have to do that. I shouldn’t have to keep starting over without explanation of what’s happening or why when I’m a fucking civilian and I’m not being paid to keep my mouth shut not that that’s important when something matters. Having experienced five years of tampering being locked out of my own devices, having my own photos deleted getting targeted by crypto scammers, having my iCloud held ransom and then deleted when I didn’t pay up having the police not do anything about it, except for telling me to surrender my computer to the FBI and to get new devices after already having gotten new devices multiple times to not be able to log into my computer tonight to write this edition addition…

For a while, I just thought it was a hacker, but because of the things that happened to my personal life and physical space that can’t be the case.

I don’t know what I don’t know, but I did learn how to do mental gymnastics to cope with the situation that I couldn’t control in order to maintain a positive attitude and do what I could each day and be content with my effort given ridiculous circumstances. I was going to write about something much cooler tonight just really exciting so exciting. I’ll try to stay in the now so I’ll try to flip this with my mental gymnastics into the now. I have pen and paper. I have a phone. I have another computer. I have the means to go buy another computer. I can go use my children’s computers. I can go to my parents house and use their computers. I can go to the library and use their computers just because you change the password on my device does not mean I’m not going to write. I enjoy my Sundays. I get to look back at the week I get to find what was boring about it. What was interesting about it? I get to put all my shower thoughts in one place cause I have so many. I don’t write them all down. I should I would just be writing all the time and you can’t exactly live like that. I like my dedicated writing time. Sunday nights are great Saturdays, Saturday mornings, and Sunday nights are when I used to do pro bono writing. I am reviving that. For personal satisfaction and freedom. I don’t accept that this is the world we live in that there must be constant Fuckery on all digital devices and constant hacking and constant control and manipulation. I think it’s ragebait but in real life. I wanted really badly to blame someone cause I want that person to feel ashamed for how much of my life they stole from me and how many moments they disrupted with my family and from my life. How much they shaved off only to get a FUCK YOU I’m STILL HERE response. I guess there’s always a part of you that wants revenge and you can’t really kill it. But you can also not act on it. You can also not take the bait. You can also choose to not be a recycler of negative energy and transfer onto the next person. That takes a lot out of you when you have to do it again and again and again. Every now and then it’s manageable, but when it becomes a thing that has a smell… You may not know who is making the smell, but you know what it smells like when you see the pattern. I don’t really know what to think of that. I guess I just really wanna be on my keyboard. I don’t wanna be on my phone looking down. Is that the point? That’s gross. My neck hurts again really bad. I don’t care though. Six months ago, I was so lethargic and energy drained that I would actually just write from my bed and dictate. I couldn’t even be bothered to go sit at my desk because I was so tired all the time and so drained and to be able to sit and work for like big chunks of time is very exciting. I am very proud of myself for suffering through whatever this is. I’m proud I didn’t give up. I’m proud. AND, I’m still curious. For example, I’m really curious about new technologies that will help civilization. New technologies that will help people in emergency situations faster. I’m really excited about new technologies that might be discovered through not so nice means. I really like pretending like a lot of things are a war game and then flipping that into something good. That might sound psychotic, but it’s what Vonnegut did in Slaughterhouse 5. He took a horrible war story of being in Nazi camps and made up a story about being abducted by aliens and living with a beautiful woman. Human minds are amazing. We can survive almost anything. That’s the most creative exercise that I’ve gotten to do in the past five years through all this torment and shit. I learned how to take a turd and turn it into fucking gold not just for my own sanity, but as a creative exercise and yeah, the world is super negative everything‘s dystopian. Everything’s terrible. It’s always bad. There’s always something bad and having experienced when everything goes wrong all the time and being able to rely on myself and my past history that no, it’s not always like this. This is an experience. Good. Bad. Everything in Between. Maybe this terrible thing is actually something really cool that I can turn into something else. Maybe sometimes you need an immense amount of pressure and obstacles in order to think creatively. So, I treated the experience as constraint, which is important for any artist or writer without constraints, whether self imposed or externally imposed. It’s really hard to create without constraint. Finally, my thoughts are lining up with what I actually want to convey. When I write there’s all these things… it’s just like a fire hose coming out of my brain and putting it onto paper is really difficult. If you could plug-in to my brain and play it back here in real time to see what had to happen before, for me to be here now… it would make sense to you too. My job as a writer is to try to make it make sense to you without being able to convey anything substance. It’s too big. It’s too much to write about. I write about nothing because I’m under a non consensual NDA with the universe. I need a constraint and sometimes the constraint is just a prompt to be reminded of not being able to log into my own computer, whether it was physically hidden from me or whether my password was changed without my consent, or whether I was simply just blocked from logging into my own device on my own time. Today’s constraint was a prompt. For me to remind myself to stay in the now and to reframe it constantly. If not, I would actually would be depressed (but I’m not.) If I thought of everything as some personal slight, I would feel demoralized and probably demotivated. I would probably feel like giving up. I would probably feel like someone was just punishing me, and I was in hell after a while, but that’s a really boring explanation. It’s lazy thinking.

And it’s not the truth.

Bad things happen to good people and they continue on and live their lives *EVEN THO* something bad happened.

It doesn't have to be the story.
The story that emerges will be different because of constraint.
This journal is not about rehashing what happened. It’s about what I learned and who I am now and how I think and how I think about the future.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

TBD IMAGE

WORKOUT & HEALTH

Texas Sunday Work Out

Military press
Cuban press
Front Dumbbell Raises
Dumbbell Lateral Raises
Cable Machine Face Pulls
Chin ups
Handstand Static Holdz

Today was a Texas Sunday circa 2013 Workout
….the kind where you are rested and ready and hit it hard and nail two PRs at the same time….where you go get a big brunch after you’ve been in the gym for two hours. I’m so proud of myself for not only knocking out multiple chin ups today, but also for doing cardio. A Full two-hour sunday gym session the likes of which I’ve not seen since Plano Texas in 2013. Felt safe. Got to hit it how I like it. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts like normal and that usually means I speed run the workout. I didn’t have to do that today. It was so cool to just take my time and get it in a way that I felt accomplished. I hit two PR‘s in one day. Unheard of especially when you’re right in the middle of your period and you’re tired anyway. I expected to not hit the chin up/pull PR for four more months. I hit it in one and half.

Tried cuban press today which was a first.

I’m careful cause I’ve had injuries before from pushing it too hard in the gym and that was when I was in really good shape eating really healthy and was very really locked in. I’m not at the level I need to be to push it and how I really can, so I’m just careful. But, today was a power day for lifting and cardio apparently too so that was very exciting.
I RAN!
I also went to the store today which is not something I normally do or enjoy either. I find the retail environment extremely overstimulating with too many smells, sounds, and stimuli. I also speed run all my shopping trips even though I kind of love shopping. Don’t really love it anymore. I am trying to love it again. It is trying to be loved by me, but I would say today was also a positive experience going to the store and it’s just nice to start banking more and more positive experiences because for so long it was so bad. Everything was so bad for so long that it’s when it’s not I don’t exactly know how to handle it. It feels overwhelming to accept that everything’s OK. It feels overwhelming to not be in pain. It feels like a gift or blessing that I don’t deserve and I don’t know why I feel like I don’t deserve it because everyone deserves freedom of movement and feelings of safety when I am out in public or at home. I should be able to feel safe at home. That is why I cry when I feel good, because I am not used to it. Today’s gym session felt like a big deposit into my stamina. If it were a video game then I would liken it to leveling up like five levels in one day. That’s what it felt like today at the gym, not grindy for once, but the past two months have been super grindy. This is silly, but the treadmill is super boring and it could be so exciting. It could be like the DDR game and then you can Jazzercise, instead of just going in the same motion. Foot placements increase your dexterity like when you’re trail running. You can’t walk in a straight line when your trail running. You’re moving all over the “treadmill,” both in terms of elevation and lateral movement and I think that’s why I hate the treadmill cause it’s so fucking boring and that’s why I like trail running because it’s exciting because you really have to pay attention to where you putting your feet. It also means you’re looking down the whole time. You’re constantly scanning back-and-forth down and up and side to side to make sure you don’t hit a branch or you land on a rock the right way. This is not required on the treadmill. There’s nothing to do with your eyes…nothing to scan. It's a completely safe environment to move forward in. Which makes it boring. Both for your muscles and your mind.

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AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

I am the computer.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

My Words Today, Not the Words of Other Men: A Future with Leisure Jobs

I am imagining a future with universal basic income. You don’t have to work, but you choose to because you need a little constraint. What kinds of companies will people flock to when they don’t need to work? When they work for free? This is the most exciting thing I thought about this week. Sometimes I feel like I’m already on universal basic income. Like I’m not really needed. And what a gift to continue to be able to write and work for a company that values human beings. What a disruption and revolution that would be to our contemporary society, when job losses could occur due to automation to keep people employed and finding value and meaning and connection with other human beings through work? Kind of the biggest fucking gift in the world if you ask me. If you’re doing it, why lie about it? It’s the most exciting USP I’ve ever fucking heard of for a company. It’s balls to the wall on humanity. Where will people find value and meaning without constraint? A job is a constraint. A very important one. To some, it might be considered a burden, but it’s also a great joy that gives one a sense of self fulfillment. I don’t think people will not want to work in the future, even if they don’t have to. I think that they’ll continue to provide a very human touch to activities if given the opportunity and seeing it for what it is. The most valuable resource is our time and finally people will be able to spend it where they want to spend it. They won’t be beholden to a paycheck. They will only put their time with companies that align with their values. That is a really really amazing thing to think about.

Where will you spend your time?

FUN WITH WORDS

“Eat my sword.”

I wrote a while back that writers are good at eating their own words, more than the rest of the human population I’d say. The goal is not always to be RIGHT/write. The goal is to write/Right. To keep seeking and if you don’t try and get an answer wrong or a conclusion wrong, then you have no data to proceed to refine and continue to search for the actual right answer. Not everything is a question that an LLM can answer for you. Some things are… One sign at a time. I liked “Eat my sword” because the show is kitschy right? In my mind: Sword is pen. Pen is sword. Words are weapons. To write is to remember. Eat my sword. Eat my words. Eat my [s]word. Eat my word[s]. I am full.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, better to say nothing at all.” 1942, the year the movie Bambi was released, where the quote is from. This is silly advice. If you have something to say, say it!

FUN WITH BOOKS AND BOOK COVERS

What did you think of the book Sapiens? The Bad Stuff First I just finished Sapiens finally…it was a chug to get through it. Started off really interesting and the author had some nice points and flows to the writing and then it just got THICK with two c’s towards the end. The first 2-4 chapters had good flow and it tapered off after that. I did like the question at the end, but most parts were largely unmemorable and felt like someone took all the history courses you’ve been to and wrote a very long, not super interesting essay without deep commentary. Little pushy about the not eating meat thing and how factory farms are terrible (they are). Came off a little preachy. Appreciate extrapolation on alternatives when someone raises an issue with something. Author didn’t come with solutions, just information that is already known. If you’re going to have an opinion, have it all the way or don’t have one at all. It could be I didn’t like it cause it’s a little dated too. If I had read it when it came out I’m sure I’d have a different opinion. In summary, “What do we want to want?” could have summed it up for me. Maybe that’s what’s addressed in the second one? It felt like the entire book was leading to this very interesting question, and then it just shuts off right after that. Not in the cliffhanger kind of way, but like an unfinished thought. I did learn a few fun facts about aluminum silverware, Napoleon, and New Amsterdam/New York. Wow, re-reading what I thought. I hated it? A Matter of Style It’s got British spelling No oxford comma. Author choose semigloss finish on the print version or at least the print edition I got. Lots of glare with a reading light. No unique book smell on the materials (cheap.) The edition I bought also had a stupid quote from Bill Gates on it. The Things I Enjoyed or Learned Enjoyed learning about the stock market and funding for expeditions to America. I don’t remember it being emphasized heavily in school - the funding part. Why? Probably would be good to know all the ways investing and stock markets have shaped human history. You could write an entire book on just that. The parts on religion, specifically Buddhism. Why? It ruined the song “How deep is your love” for me because I didn’t know what nirvana actually stood for or meant until I read Sapiens. I had never looked into Buddhism.

BAD AT JOKES

The finest nuts

On Personal Mantras

It is good to have a thing to say to yourself to get through hard times to remind you when you can’t remember the thing. (You will forget.) But a mantra is a string of words maybe 3-7 words long that you tie to something that you will never forget. It’s so wrapped up in your brain, even a lobotomy couldn’t get rid of it. Speaking of lobotomies…(This is a story for another day.) I have had a few mantras so far and they occurred in this order. I will talk briefly about them.

“I am strong when I’m with you.”
“I am free when I’m with you.”
“I want to be free.”
“I am free.”
“I am the gym.”
“I am the fire.”

It was important to have something to say to myself when I was in an uncomfortable high-stakes situation where I could not leave and had to complete a task. Something to repeat back to myself over and over again to focus my brain on staying in the position I was in to get the job done. It’s kind of like listening to a song on repeat, but without the music. And the mantra means way more than other people could ever possibly know. Like a piece of personal lore tied to a million different memories and experiences. It’s difficult for anyone to cut through it. Because they’d have to know you and everything about you to find a place to try to cut in. So when they try to cut in with “May I have this dance?” I can easily respond with “No. I am dancing with myself bro.” I have a deadline. Focus is something I think everyone needs to figure out for themselves. I’ve never had to act or do under such intense ridiculous distraction before. It’s quite insane. I don’t remember that before. It was easy to get in the zone and stay there for as long as I wanted. No one was ever trying to fuck with my vibe. 1. 2. I am strong when I’m with you / I am free when I’m with you I am strong when I’m with you. I am free when I’m with you started when I finally separated from my ex. It was very difficult to leave. Extreme circumstances had to take place for it to happen. Who? God maybe? I don’t know honestly. Just a little story I told myself to keep going. I want to be free happened when I decided I needed to see it on my wall every day as a reminder that I still wasn’t free. I had to repeat this to myself when I filled out basic information about my family while filling an ex parte order. The vibrations were very bad and it was a very terrifying experience to write the truth and to not hold back. I had trouble remembering birthdates of myself and my children, address information, phone number information, but the details of what actually occurred….I ran out of space to fill out things and I was being pressured to write out what happened after a traumatic event. I was under such extreme pressure to write under a time constraint in a very uncomfortable situation in Oxford, North Carolina at the court house. My parents were with me. I should have felt SAFE. I didn’t. 3. 4. I want to be free/I am free I made a poster with the words “I want to be free” in big black font on a background picture of some clouds. This picture is missing from my Dropbox even though I uploaded it and backed it up numerous times. That is not the point. The point is my memory palace is hard as a rock apparently and trying to find the file is just a distraction from me writing down what happened. I don’t need to prove anything. I crossed out the “I want” eventually and added “I AM.” I want to b[r]e[ak] free by Queen is the first song I will play when I get a Cybertruck. I didn’t have to repeat this to myself, because I know freedom is a state of mind and no amount of physical discomfort can change someone’s philosophical underpinnings and understanding of the world. They can only make a situation uncomfortable enough for you to not want be there. 5. I am the gym I went to court. This was before the truck accident. There was an old Model T in the courthouse on display. My lawyer changed his socks into socks with trucks on them. Before I went in the building a man said that there was a gym right here as I did push ups on the asphalt. I replied I am the gym. I said this one out loud. I remember that when I am in a place that doesn’t have a gym. 6. I am the fire I couldn’t get warm no matter what. Heat blasting. Feels like my feet/ankles are in 6 inches of snow. I put my back against the fire. I remembered a dream where a man pull me out of the fire. I was facing it in the dream. I crouched and felt the warmth again. Heard the voices screaming at me to move. I am the fire was born. There is a poem too about how the fire had promised to love you forever that is missing from Google search results. I like this one the most. I may be cold as fuck but I imagine it’s what it feels like to be consumed by a fire. No longer hot….freezing. Now Dante’s Inferno makes sense!

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

TBD IMAGE

WORKOUT & HEALTH

Gym. Omg only once This week? brutal. Note to self: “u have Friday and Saturday to make up for it!” (I DIDN’T) It’s been cold. I’ve been hibernating hardcore. I did engage my TRX a little this week when I was annoyed, but yeah, a rest week otherwise. And also a bad taste in my mouth around the last time I visited the gym. My energy was SICK. The energy AT the gym was NOT. Like being in a room full of vampires. Someone (a male) close to me once said “Don’t put that on other people” that I was empathetic or feeling the vibes in a place. I think that is WRONGTHINK. If your body tells you something as a woman, you should listen. Men will not understand what it feels like to be a woman who has survived abuse. Mental health? Eh, I mean pretty good considering the ordeal I’ve dealt with. Staying grounded in reality. Staying busy. Thinking whatever I want. I’ve been doing a great job of staying in the present and only dipping into the past when I want to. I call it “stirring my own pot” when I delve into topics that are difficult to talk or write about. In my personal writing I keep to myself, I wrote about some past things too I didn’t want to dig into. It usually results in some pretty wild dreams. Like last night, I had one that I went to church and the church had been split into two cathedrals…one for jews and one for christians. I had a key, but the people in the grocery line blocked me from getting to the door in time, and when I got there finally, they had changed the locks to the entrance. My key didn’t work, but I knew I had the right key. I used to have an Ax that I won in Canada at an axe throwing tournament. It was called “The Promised Land.” A man with the name “Goose” made it. I won it at a raffle. On the pay-for-play Juxbox they played Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas is You” on repeat during the final match to determine the winner of the tournament. On Repeat. As a distraction to the opponents.It is now my alarm in the morning (finally.) I bought it over 6 months ago and wasn’t able to use it as a ringtone because someone fucked with my phone settings. And then one day it showed up as an option to use as a ringtone. It was 1.99, but 6+ months to receive it. I used to really love throwing axes competitively. It did briefly bring me joy for a time. I will find a thing again like that that brings me joy. For now, nothing is more enjoyable than firing my gun on my property in the country. Tastes like freedom and doesn’t feel bad at all. Feels fun. Reminds me of being a teenager and shooting at soda cans with my dad on my grandma Emojane’s farm. Also, my social media hiatus is over. I don’t spend a ton of time, but I did notice today I had notifications when I have them all turned off. This is also wrong. Reading social media and just dismissing all the dumb stuff that is so personal from people who know nothing about me or why I’m here. It’s a weird experience. I’m just here for the cute cat videos and staying in touch with what’s going on in the world and doing my own thing. I think it’s best that way.

image here

AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

The time is now.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

Don't turn around; but do. And the fire promised to love you forever. But then you couldn’t find it when you looked for it. So you became the fire. A man pulled me out when I faced it. I turned my back and found the warmth I was looking for. I’m tired of trying to find the things I know exist and being blocked on my personal computer from finding them. I’ll just write something new, asshole. Or I’ll just make something new. Or I’ll just wait six months.

Just a little thing I wrote down before writing...prework: Someone had a PROBLEM with this entry and couldn’t be a man and say it to my face. Because he’s dead inside. And he wants my fire. But it is mine. Ad concept next edition Tax man ad Fallout ad Muse bad ad spot Portal Ad Top of mind peice Black holes and revelations : staying in the now the time is now Affirmation the time is now Words words words Opt black holes and revelations Compliance

BDAY cake by Grok

FUN WITH WORDS

“Epoché”

Epoché (in Pyrrhonian skepticism) is the deliberate suspension of judgment — choosing neither to affirm nor to deny a claim when the reasons or appearances on both sides are equally balanced. Use it in a sentence: Emily applied this tactic until she missed a deadline by taking over 30 hours to finally choose the word for the week.

CasiNO

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

Withhold judgement until you have all the information. Unless it’s absurd to.

FUN WITH BOOKS AND BOOK COVERS

Riffing on Novel Covers with Grok

What’s a book that's waiting for you to read it?

Next up is Heinlein’s Time Enough For Love. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress was entertaining. Stranger in a Strange Land was too. Other than that, probably more science fiction in general.

BAD AT JOKES

What’s the difference between me at 41 and Xena: Warrior Princess? Xena actually finishes her fight scenes without saying “ow my neck” every ten seconds

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY

It snowed! A good one finally. My kiddos are with their dad this weekend though, so it’s not as special to me knowing that I won’t get to get out there and build a snowman or play in the snow with them. Maybe the snow will still be here tomorrow when I see them. 41 isn’t a special birthday, but it does feel like an achievement to have survived another year. I’m giving myself the gift of a known and past used diet for getting thin and fit again. Everyone else can figure out what works for them. This is not advice on what others should do or not do. Just me recording that today feels like a good day to start a new habit (or rather pick up an old habit.) It felt good to sleep in and enjoy the quiet on a Sunday. It’s super peaceful. When I was in undergrad I remember this dream I had of being alone in my apartment on a cool spring day, with the windows open. Wearing a pretty sundress. Just enjoying my own company. Today feels like that dream, but the ground is covered in three or four inches of snow and the sun is absolutely blasting down melting it. My house is warm and I finally bought a hat since I’ve been chilly as fuck lately. It was very bright last night. I like that too. Feels exciting when it’s still light out when it should be dark (like a summer day in Amsterdam) or dark when it should be light (like in Oklahoma when a bad storm is approaching and the sky turns dark gray and green.) Today I’m grateful for another trip around the sun, lessons I learned in the past, and for the peace and quiet of a Sunday and complete control of my day’s agenda or lack thereof.

Morning writing and iced coffee
Fasting all day until I’m starving
A trip to the gym for some physical activity even though I’m sore and my back and neck are messed up
Binging Zena Warrior Princess
Listening to Music and Podcasts
Maybe some bedtime reading
Doing something outside of my comfort zone (deliberately putting myself in an overstimulating environment to stress test)

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

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WORKOUT & HEALTH

Mental Fitness

If I show up without the right shoes, I work out anyway. If my headphones are drained and I left the dongle for my backup headphones, I work out anyway. The work out is never as good. I really like complete focus at the gym. You can be prepared all you want, but sometimes things just don’t work out how you planned. Good fitness is mental in a lot of ways. My “it’s fucking cold and I don’t want to work out” voice is especially loud now that it’s so cold. I’m still going though. I even went when it was snowing this week, which was lovely because hardly anyone was there. Having the gym to yourself is a real treat. But being able to put your headphones on and tune others out when they are constantly invading your space and mental tranquility is the real treat. “I don’t have to listen to you.”

Social Media Break & Rearranging the Physical Space

I took social media apps off my phone for a few days to “unplug.” My bedroom is my work office, my gym, my library, and my writing space. It’s actually kind of wild how much time I spend in this room. I don’t need a lot of space but the space I’m in does need to be fit for purpose. I also moved a chair I had in my room that I really only sat in if I was browsing social media. Upgrade to change your physical environment to encourage other habits. On that topic (heard while listening to podcast with the writer of Atomic Habits good book worth revisiting…) I also moved my TRX and dumbbells into my bedroom. They were just outside my bedroom in a hallway space for a “gym” area which I very rarely used. Now it’s in my face and five feet closer. Doesn’t seem like much, but I’ve used it more in the past few days than the past few months. Also added a rug for yoga and stretching since the floors are so cold.

Finding the Type of Cardio You Fucking LOVE

I used to go for trail runs in the summer when I needed to get out of the house or even a run around my neighborhood. I don’t know how I got out of that habit but breaking back into it is difficult. I have zero desire to run. Running or walking on the treadmill is very boring. I like to be outside in nature. I missing running on the trail. Granted, it’s more about not falling on the way down. Technically it’s still running though. Looking forward to summer weather for a run.

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AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

“I don't have to listen to you”

But if I choose to, make it worth my time.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

Can’t remember where I read this, but it stuck with me: “…like a good book that crawls into bed with you.”

Workout Written By Me, Ad Made with Grok

FUN WITH WORDS

“Noodle on it”

Something they say at work I don't understand. Use it In a sentence: Emily legitimately did not understand why this stupid phrase existed at all and pondered what could be a better way to say “I will think on it before I commit to it” could be… other than the thing she just thought. I will think on it before I commit to it. Bonus fun with words: Fafigue: when what you got from AI was good enough for today’s issue.

Learning with Grok

ADVICE TO SELF

Delete distractions. Focus on your own mission.

FUN WITH BOOKS

What’s a book you wish you never read?

Cormac MacArthy “The Road” Terrible, dark, dystopian. Extremely off-putting and pessimistic about humanity. I think every time I fill a bath tub I probably think about the opening of that book. It used classic tropes from thriller or horror stories by leaving the scariest parts to your own imagination. Overall, I wish I never read that book because there are enough stories out there that focus on the worst aspects of humanity and survivalism probably because we’re all afraid of dying and the unknown. It also makes a lot of money to retell this story over and over again. I don’t think there are enough positive, uplifting, or inspiring stories in popular literature. The balance is off. Tonight I filled a bathtub in anticipation of the snow/ice storm and didn’t think of him at all.

What’s one book you’d take with you on a long trip where you’re not going to have internet access for a very long time?

The Anthology of American Literature 10th Edition Volume 1. Has pieces from Thomas Jefferson to Emerson to Abraham Lincoln to Herman Melville. The pages are thin like the bible because there’s so much in it. Also has someone’s past notes in it from their reading, so it’s like spying on what they thought about it.

What book did you get rid of that you wish you still had a physical copy of?

A Singular Man. Patrick Donleavy. Such a weirdo book with a disappointing and unfinished ending and obviously skipped an editor which I loved. I think it was supposed to be a slice of life style without the ending or maybe he got tired of writing and wanted to work on a different project. He never answers any of the questions in the story synopsis and doesn’t comment on what anything means leaving it up to the reader. Some of the best stuff to read is the unpolished writing. I like when authors release chapters online or separate from physical print books too. Like an early release or just something that’s “bonus” content. Before anyone has had a chance to say that doesn’t work or you need to do this or that. Raw output is just different. Sure, the final polished thing might be better in comparison, but in a lot of ways it could be worse, too.

BAD AT JOKES

Met a guy. He dug a shallow grave in my backyard. Because he didn’t want to get that deep. Funny (to me) because someone dug a shallow grave in my backyard a few weeks ago…

May I Have Your Attention Plez?

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TOP OF MIND

When all hope is lost, what can bring you back?

I can’t imagine having nothing to look forward to when there are so many amazing things happening in the world. Even on my darkest days, a fucking rocket ship launching into space brought me back. Even when I was so scared and couldn’t connect or be around anyone… that is something that brought me back to this reality. It is hard to be sad or indifferent when there is really cool stuff happening in the world.

My life is currently monotonous and difficult to break through to the next phase of growth for myself. I keep trying. Not because someone else is out there making the world a better place (that helps tho) but because I didn’t sign up for a dull ride, and little reminders also uplift others. This is the first day in many weeks I have not had to lie down in my bed to rest and recover throughout the day. I have been in chronic pain and extreme fatigue (fafigue if you read the AI ad later….) for some years now. The past two years have been extremely difficult. I have an “easy” job. I work from home, but often I don’t have the energy to even be at my computer very long. The meetings are tedious. Every idea I have gets shot down. My experience is ignored and undervalued. I get busy work assignments. My ideas about what could be better are dismissed and ignored. I feel like I’m living in with an energy vampire. If those things were to exist that is. Bloodwork done. No known illnesses. Nothing wrong. Just extremely low energy when I used to be a very high energy person. I take vitamins. Lift weights. Eat fairly well. Limit alcohol usually. In the past and ironically enough, an asshole commented to my now ex-husband, “Boy, your wife sure has a lot of energ,” when he witnessed me getting up early after drinking heavily the night before to go for a run on the property. Fuck yeah I do, Dave. I am my own motherfucking captain. Where does energy go? And who takes it without consent?

I used to love my job. In the beforetimes. What I love more though, is having my full energy and strength. I seriously have not been able to stay out of bed for a very long time until today. I didn’t do anything differently last night. I didn’t work extra hard at the gym or eat the right things or increase my water intake or take additional vitamins. I didn’t watch the most motivational uplifting self help podcast. I didn’t talk to the right people. I didn’t pray extra hard today. I didn’t do anything differently. Nothing I did was different from the previous day or the day before that. Is he gone? Am I free now? I don’t know.

I didn’t have any more hope than usual today. But I have been putting in the work every day. With whatever energy I have, I at least try to get something done. It doesn’t have to be much, but it does have to be enough to make the list of “What did I get done today?” That is my own personal learning of perseverance. Just small steps. At least something is better than nothing. At least I keep trying.

I don’t take no for an answer when I’ve already paid for it. And after a few years of trying to get my registered domain back from Google and Squarespace, I finally got it. I don’t understand why they gave me such a difficult time about it. I had financial proof I bought it. I showed them. They didn’t care. I had planned to do something as a side quest at work or something personal with it. I don’t know. They did take five years off the life of it though. Will I be compensated for that? No. Do I care? Yes. It’s five years they owe me.

I bought it for ten years because I wanted to ensure the idea had enough time and that it’d be there when I finally could give it attention. And now I have a newspaper journal of my own to write or publish whatever I want. My personal journal and journey overall has been a little dark. I don’t want this writing to be dark, but I’m not going to shy away from the truth either. You can polish a turd into a nugget of gold if given enough time. Sometimes hard lessons teach you the most. It’s a shame though, when the teacher doesn’t know you already learned those lessons a long time ago. Looks can be deceiving. Especially when you only know someone from what they say or post online. And then you try to meet them in person thinking you know anything about them. That is not wise.

What I’ve learned in the past few years that I think will serve myself and also others to be reminded of:

You know nothing. But, what you do know is framed in the reality you live in. Use those rules to your advantage.
Even when your energy is zapped, you can at least do something. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to accomplish what you can when you are at full energy. Be proud of what you can accomplish at 25% battery life so to speak.
Some things are worth picking fights over. Save your energy for the times it matters.
Pick something and do it with routine and discipline…whether it’s keeping a work out diary, a food journal, or even a log of how you felt for the day, a daily journal, a daily or even weekly practice of prayer or even as simple as expressing something you’re grateful for.
I am grateful for this hot shower. I am grateful for this simple meal of scrambled eggs and toast and cottage cheese and fruit. I am grateful to hear my children arguing. I am grateful to get to write. I am grateful.
You won’t always feel grateful. Sometimes I’ve felt downright disgusted and pissed off about things. Why’d it have to get so ugly and awful? Who’d I piss off and did I do something wrong?
I don’t know how long it will take to express everything. I know it doesn’t matter though that this is not written in stone. And that is more than you know.
have written this before, and I will write it again.

What is permanence to humans? What is it to eternal consciousness? Very different answers.

If you say you believe in God or a creator, and discount the written word as “not immortal” if it is not etched in stone, then what do you really know? Nothing. I don’t think that’s how it works at all. If someone read the very few things I posted online and imagined that they were the entire substance of my being, that would be a disservice in getting to know me in a real environment. While they contain good tidbits, they are just bits. If I were an intelligent creator, every thought, every act, every bit would be recorded without input or action from the being. So on my part (or yours)…. to write, or to record would really be an exercise in futility and entirely for vanity or to share with other entities in real time. No need to carve things in stone unless you want to talk to people two thousand years from now. I can’t imagine what advice you could give them that they would not already know. Or that the lessons from history would be any different pattern than what they’ve already been. Could they be? Possibly.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

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WORKOUT & HEALTH

Isolate Variables for Evidence-Based Diet! Food Journal

I started a notebook/paper food journal to see what irritates me and does not. It’s been helpful for figuring out what I can eat or drink that doesn’t piss my body and skin off. If I skip a few days, I usually just put in a general entry instead of a full log. Trying not to skip, but there’s a lot to do and a lot on my mind. The world is unpredictable and going to the gym and eating good food are small things that feel good to put a routine to. I like my routine and schedule.

Winter is Hard! Energy Levels

This week I only hit the gym twice. It’s bitterly cold and my energy levels have been very weak. Can’t get out of bed a lot weak. I know it’ll pass because I’ve gone through a similar period like this before in 2024. I’d guess around the same months likely. January and February are always difficult. I usually hit the tanning beds for a good dose of D. It does put me in a good mood. I am dreaming about baking in the summer sun, even though it’s about to snow and ice. Carpool every week is draining my energy and making me physically ill. I have a stiff neck and a lot of pain after 30 minutes of driving. The drive there is always fine. I sit and wait for thirty minutes, inhaling car fumes and sitting in a car without air conditioning. Then I get a migraine, stiff neck, and have to drive another 30 minutes home before I can rest and feel better. Usually takes me 10-15 minutes to recover, but I have to lay down and rest. I’m drinking plenty of water. I’m eating sufficient calories. Carpool makes me physically ill, every day. Without fail. There’s not much I can do besides buy a new car. There are no buses and I am a single parent.

Routine Silences Negative Thoughts! Mental Fortitude and Workout/Diet Attitude

I really enjoy the email newsletter I’ve been reading from Arnold. Good post on “all or nothing” mindset recently. You don’t have to be perfect. Just because you cheated on your diet or didn’t hit the gym as much as you planned to doesn’t mean you can’t do it the next day or the next week. In fact, it’s probably my body telling me to take a deload week, which I had planned on doing anyway. I wasn’t sure how many weeks I could hit volume training 4x a week, but I think I went at least 6 weeks. This last week and the week before I did at least three workouts where I didn’t hit 10 sets and opted for 5 instead. On getting TO the gym - the most important part. It’s half the battle just to go. Once you’re there, might as well put in the work.

Make Your Own Workout Playlists!

Helpful for the gym: High-energy playlists only. Noticed on streaming platforms people make workout mixes that are terrible. I need to start making my own. I can’t believe they don’t have filters for “vibe” for music sorting. How many times have you put on a playlist that’s called something dumb like “High Energy Workout Mix” and then there’s a bunch of break-up songs or sad songs. High energy music should make you hit a PR and say FUCK YEAH after your workout, not distract you with the music selection while you’re working out. Guess that irritates me that we live in the future but all the systems are poorly designed when it comes to search and filtering. I get very impatient. It’s not organized in a way that makes any goddamned sense. It looks like it does, but it could be SO MUCH BETTER!

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AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

“Just keep going”

I moved into a new rental house in the country on a horse farm. Underneath the kitchen sink was a Finding Nemo towel.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

Imagery made with Grok

Barking

The moon comes up. The moon goes down. This is to inform you that I didn’t die young. Age swept past me but I caught up. Spring has begun here and each day brings new birds up from Mexico. Yesterday I got a call from the outside world but I said no in thunder. I was a dog on a short chain and now there’s no chain.

Jim Harrison’s poetry book called “Saving Daylight” is a random book I picked up. I can’t remember where or when or even where I heard of him. This poem “barking” is not in it. THIS Book - It’s got some good words on appreciating nature, appreciating solitude, and finding peace in nature. The poems are usually fairly short, narrative style. He kind of looks like a guy you’d find working in the mountains at an art school or writer’s retreat. Old soul, kind of a hippie. His book is still in my collection, which means I’m either not done with it, want it for reference, or it’s a keeper. I have moved so often in my life, hauling physical books with me when I’m not going to use them anymore seems dumb. They weigh a lot, and I don’t need to keep stuff that is no longer of use to me. I think I have under 40 books on hand currently.

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Hashtag open to work

FUN WITH WORDS

Snapdragon or Flap-dragon — A game of snatching raisins or nuts from burning brandy.

Use it In a sentence: We played flap-dragon because we needed an excuse to play with fire indoors.

ADVICE TO SELF

Just get something on the page!

FUN WITH BOOKS

I’m currently reading a romance novel about an eternal highlander and a researcher who has visions.

BAD AT JOKES

I never have a joke on hand. I’m better in the moment with a zinger, but not when it comes to regurgitating jokes on-demand. I want to have at least a few in my pocket for the future. Here is one written by Grok:

Why are writers always cold? Because they're surrounded by drafts!

TOP OF MIND

I am eternally grateful for terrible experiences. Nothing like it can more easily solidify one’s core values. Nothing like it can make a moment of rest more peaceful. I don’t think forgiveness is something you can do once. It feels more like a daily exercise. I’m working on forgiving myself these days. I forgive myself. I forgive others. If I write it enough, one day I may believe it.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

Made with Grok

Trying to understand.

WORKOUT & HEALTH

I almost did a chin up last week! Very big deal for me. Pull ups/chin ups are not typically easy for women unless you seriously commit to training. You have to try almost every other day and also strengthen your back muscles sufficiently. For me, I have a strong build already. Cutting, reducing overall weight usually results in quicker time to pull up / chin up for me. I just started dieting in December, so it’s only been a month or so. Reduced/almost entirely cut out empty calories from alcohol is usually all it takes. Imagine I’ll get stricter soon and go paleo-ish. That’s a pretty quick path to skinny for me usually too.

Workout/fitness goals for the short-term:

See if the sauna and I agree
Add cardio
Continue volume weight training (ten sets of 4-5 exercises, 10 reps each) Recovery day - 5x10. In a hurry days 5 sets x 20 reps
Try new movements - strengthen back for pull ups
For the love of God, please eat more protein

Emily's List

AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

“I am the gym.”

I “wrote” this affirmation outside the courthouse in Oxford. I was doing push-ups to mentally prepare for what I was about to go into. A man yelled at me from across the street and pointed at a building. “There’s a gym right there.” I replied, “I am the gym.”

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

I’d upload the picture for these words, but it seems to have gone missing. It’s something that stuck in my brain because I “wrote” it down by carving it into my desk:

Given enough time The truth will be revealed Or forcibly revealed By those unwilling to accept the status quo

An ad for truth Not an Ad for Smoking